All I ever wanted was to be with you, but it seems that wish had an early demise…
It started when I met you, so innocent, unique, and smart. The traits which appeal to me the most, I actually didn’t mind you before because I sensed you had something going on with another person. So I just adored you from afar so as not to drag attention to myself. Watching from afar I learned more things about you, until one day that person came up to me and said “wala na kami… at hindi na puedeng maging kami… (iyak)”, as I sympathized that person’s pain, at the back of my mind I was shouting for joy, now its my turn. So I took and grabbed all the opportunities just to be with you. I enjoyed every single minute of it, though I was just fantasizing that you felt something for me too. It never fails to amaze me on how I never get tired of your angelic smile (for me). So as to be with you always I invited you to join our group in a competition and there you met someone who will make your heartbeat once again. I was crushed and broken because of that but I will learn that it will not be the hardest thing to accept. As you struggle to gain that person’s attention I just right behind you accepting each blow from your countless efforts to do so. Time after time I see you facing rejection, and time after time I was also getting hurt, wanting to shout out loud, “nandirito lang ako, nagpapakatanga para sa’yo!
Words of the upcoming election stormed the school, as I promised myself to involve in such activities, I was readily available for any position and party. That was when I made a decision that I regret today, I invited you to join, sure at first it sounded like a good idea, but that was the apparent good in the situation. I gave my one hundred percent trust in your capabilities. I never thought that you would let me down (I know im exaggerating). I felt like a child abandoned by his mother when you came up to me and embraced me and said silently “im sorry”. It broke my spirit and I felt all alone in this world. I continued the child’s play as I left acting like I was okay but deep inside I wasn’t even a single bit of being okay. As I got home I cried my heart out, but like they say don’t cry over spilled milk. After I was cool, calm and collected I sent you a text message, asking for an apology for such an act. I waited for a reply but didn’t receive one so I slept, upon waking up in the morning I found a number of messages and one came from you, dated February 18. I read the message well knowing it was from you and it said:
“Yhel. . Nku. . Super naiintindihan kita. . aq dpat ang humingi ng sorry s kaguluhan ng icp q. . Hay. . Yhel,
At the sight of the message I didn’t know what to feel. How can I be vocal about my problem, if my problem is you? With the last two words of your message, I started to feed my wild imaginations of thoughts that will just make it harder for me to heal. My love for you was always there, but as time past I asked myself, “worthy ba siya para iyakan ko?”, and my bigbro also said that to me… it took me such a long time to realize how I was wasting my time… but I, THANK YOU for making my birthday a special one… you guys surprised me, though I was frustrated at the situation we was in. All my pain was temporarily vanish as I cherished that moment… that singular moment I saw your smile once again… I really regret all the things I’ve done. If I could have you back again, I will make all things right, but I know that will never happened… I want to talk to you but I am afraid, weak isn’t it?? I play on with this façade of being strong when deep inside only one thing can make weak and vulnerable.
Right now I’m in the process of recovering, this has only happened again after 3 years…
How I wish I can put a LARGE sign saying:
Heart under REPAIR please bear with the Inconvenience!!
P.S.
May or may not be fictional, you’ll be the judge of that…
Tears… tears… tears... tears…
written on : may 31, 2008
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